What Having Children 22 Years Apart Taught Me About Child Behavior

When I became a first-time mom, I thought behavior was the thing I was supposed to fix.

If a child was crying, I needed to stop the crying.

If a child was whining, I needed to stop the whining.

If a child was arguing, I needed to stop the arguing.

Like many parents, I believed good behavior meant I was doing something right, and challenging behavior meant I was doing something wrong.

Then life gave me an unusual gift.

A 22-year perspective.

Today, my oldest son is 24. My second son is 20. And I also have a 5-year-old and a 2-year-old.

Most parents experience childhood once.

I've had the opportunity to experience it twice.

And what I've learned about behavior is very different from what I believed all those years ago.

I Used To Focus On The Behavior

When I was a young mom, I spent a lot of time looking at what was happening on the surface.

Was my child listening?

Were they following directions?

Were they being respectful?

Were they behaving appropriately?

Those questions aren't unimportant.

But today, they're rarely the first questions I ask.

Because behavior tells us very little by itself.

Behavior is the clue.

Not the answer.

The Same Behaviors Look Different To Me Now

One of the biggest surprises of parenting young children again is realizing how differently I interpret the exact same behaviors.

A child who keeps arguing.

A child who cries over something that seems small.

A child who refuses to move.

A child who keeps saying, "That's not fair."

A child who asks the same question over and over.

Twenty years ago, I saw most of those behaviors as problems to solve.

Today, I see them as information.

The question I ask now isn't:

"How do I stop this?"

It's:

"What is this behavior trying to tell me?"

Sometimes The Behavior Isn't The Problem

Over the years, I've learned that many of the behaviors parents worry about most are often signs of something happening underneath.

The child who keeps arguing may be looking for autonomy.

The child who can't let something go may be looking for certainty.

The child who melts down over something small may already be carrying something big.

The child who won't stop talking about fairness may be trying to make sense of a situation that feels overwhelming.

The behavior isn't always the problem.

Sometimes the behavior is the signal.

My Adult Sons Changed How I View My Young Sons

Having adult children gives you a different perspective.

You realize that many of the things you worried about were simply stages.

You realize that some of the qualities that drove you crazy as children become strengths as adults.

The child who questioned everything may become an independent thinker- I'm looking at you Logan, with such proud eyes.

The child who noticed every injustice may become deeply compassionate- Spencer, what a kind and empathic young man you have become.

The child who argued every point may become confident enough to advocate for themselves (this is Logan again, but I won't keep embarrassing him!).

The child who felt everything deeply may grow into an adult with incredible empathy.

Not every challenging behavior is a character flaw.

Sometimes it's a strength that's still developing.

What I Care About More Now

When I was younger, I spent a lot of energy trying to determine whether behavior was acceptable.

Today, I'm more interested in understanding what created it.

That doesn't mean there are no limits.

It doesn't mean children can do whatever they want.

It simply means that understanding comes before correction.

Because when children feel understood, they're far more likely to listen, learn, and cooperate.

That's something I know as a therapist.

But it's also something I've learned as a mom.

The Biggest Lesson

If having children 22 years apart has taught me anything, it's this:

Behavior is rarely the whole story.

The crying.

The whining.

The arguing.

The clinginess.

The refusal.

The interruptions.

They're often the most visible part of something much bigger.

And when we focus only on stopping the behavior, we sometimes miss the opportunity to understand the child.

Years ago, I thought parenting was about getting children to behave.

Today, I think it's about learning how to understand them.

And that shift has changed everything.