The LVC
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Edition I • June 2026
Power Struggles
Power struggles with your child usually aren't about the thing you're fighting about. The shoes. The screen. The seatbelt. The shutting down at bedtime. What looks like defiance is almost always a child whose nervous system has hit a wall — and a parent whose nervous system is right there with them.
If you've been told to "just stay calm" or "just listen," and it hasn't worked, you're not doing it wrong. You're missing the step in between.
Why Power Struggles Happen
A power struggle is what happens when two dysregulated nervous systems collide. Your child isn't trying to ruin your morning. They're trying to feel safe, in control, or seen — and they don't yet have the words or the prefrontal cortex to do it cleanly. So it comes out as "NO." As stalling. As the meltdown over the wrong color cup.
When we meet that with our own urgency — we have to leave, put your shoes on, NOW — we accidentally turn a regulation problem into a relational one.
The LVC™ Shift
This is where Listen. Validate. Connect.™ changes the dynamic.
Listen doesn't mean letting them run the show. It means pausing long enough to notice what's actually happening underneath the behavior. Are they tired? Overstimulated? Transitioning from something they loved? The behavior is the signal, not the problem.
Validate is the step most parents skip — and it's the one that ends the struggle fastest. Validation isn't agreement. It's naming the emotional reality: "You really wanted to keep playing. It's so hard to stop when you're having fun." That sentence does more to dissolve resistance than any consequence will.
Connect is what makes the limit hold without the fight. Once your child feels seen, you can move forward together: "And — it's time to go. I'll help you. Do you want to carry your shoes or wear them?" The limit doesn't disappear. The struggle does.
"Validation isn't agreement. It's the step that ends the struggle fastest."
What This Looks Like in Real Life
Your 4-year-old refuses to get in the car seat.
The old script: "Get in the seat. I said NOW. We're going to be late." (Escalation. Tears. Everyone arrives wrecked.)
The LVC™ script: "You don't want to leave. You were having so much fun." (Listen + Validate.) "I'm going to help you in. We'll come back to this later." (Connect + the limit holds.)
It's not magic. Some days they'll still cry. But you're no longer the opponent — you're the safe place, even when you're the one holding the limit.
One Thing to Try This Week
Pick the power struggle that happens most often in your house — the same one, every day. Before you respond next time, take one breath and say the Validate line out loud, even if it feels awkward:
"You really don't want to ___. That's hard."
Then watch what shifts. Not in them. In you.